Q: My invitations are handmade and we spent a great deal of time adding a genuine wax seal on the inside envelope. When we took the invitations to the post office for mailing, we made sure they weighed a couple of the invitations just to make sure individual variations in the amount of wax on the seal wouldn't cause some invitations to cost more to mail than others. We were told it was close to the dividing line, but that we could send them at the regular postal rate.
Then, about 10 days ago, many of the invitations we sent out started coming back to us returned with “insufficient postage” on them. Although I'm still angry that the post office wasn't more helpful, I just want to get this nightmare over with. What can I do now to make sure the invitations get out in sufficient time for all the guests in different countries to reply?
A: What a horrible event to have occurred. We all worry about having the correct postage, but I've not heard of many cases where half the invitations wound up being “OK” and half weren't, all because of a tiny extra piece of wax.
Because the ones with insufficient postage were returned to the bride, she had to print new envelopes and could not re-use the original postage, so it wound up costing her more much more than the difference in postage, not to mention the extra stress of invitations arriving late. This is a case where someone (the postal worker) could have done a good deed – even just calling the bride to let her know of the situation – that would have made a special wedding memory about the kindness of strangers.
There is really no advice I can give brides other than to come up with a reason to call a select number of people on the invitee list to ensure they received the invitation, and that if they have not yet, let them know they soon will. No need to explain the delay unless you are comfortable in doing so. This way, everyone knows everything – the guest know they are being invited, the bride knows her response rate is going to take a little longer to ascertain, and everyone knows to be a little more patient with the bride if she freaks out about the guest list as time grows close. The great lesson to be learned from this – although it is very romantic, don't use sealing wax if you will be mailing your invitations, unless there is a great deal of wiggle room between your postal rate and the next step up!
Q: I am estranged from my father after my parents' divorce, but he wants very much to attend my wedding. I've come up with a way to word the wedding invitation to include him, but make it clear that he and my mother are not “together” that my mother is OK with. I'm more concerned with the rest of the day – aside from higher private security -- how can I be sure he will not sneak into the reception and suddenly make a toast at the reception, or jump up for the first dance with the bride (which I am planning to have with my grandfather)?
A: I'm sure you feel a little bit awkward asking your question, since people not familiar with your family's situation may not see anything wrong if they run into him mingling with guests at the reception or in a similar situation.
You obviously feel very strongly about this, enough so that although you and your mother have agreed he may attend the wedding (I hope you are planning to seat him near the rear of the church or other locale of the ceremony), that is the extent of his presence that you will allow.
I applaud your mother and you for giving him this “gift” and coming up with a unique way to word such an invitation. This is the type of situation where if you do not have enough males on your side of the family to entrust with this task, your groom needs to step in and recruit good friends and trusted family members on his side to briefly explain the situation and enlist their help. You do not want your perfect day ruined by an unwelcome guest demanding the traditional first dance with the bride, when you do not wish to have that memory.
Weddings can be times when “bad blood” between family members can be healed, but if this is not going to be the case in your situation, then you must prepare for the worst and hope for the best – that your father appreciates your decision to allow him to attend, but leaves quietly after the ceremony.
Q: I know that etiquette dictates that you should not use a term such as “no children, please” or “no children at the request of the bride and groom” on your invitation, but just how do you get that information across to people? I've known brides who have been so careful to write the full names of all those actually invited on the inside envelope (deliberately not listing the children), yet still have the invitees bring their children anyway.
Not only did one of my friends have to arrange with the caterer to come up with some food for children on the spot, but it also spoiled the “grown-up”, sophisticated theme she was looking for. The children were left to run loose and really ruined some special moments while their parents just watched and thought their mischievousness was “cute”. I do not want this to happen at my wedding, but I have a couple of cousins who might place me in a similar position. What can I do?
A: The only way to ensure as much as possible that no children will be at the reception (or the ceremony as well if you wish that) is to NOT rely on the invitation itself to do the talking. Although people are quick to criticize wedding invitations if a mistake is made as far as etiquette is concerned to handle a difficult situation (such as a 4 th marriage, which turns out to be a second marriage to husband number two), all reason goes out of their heads when their children are concerned. Most will assume their children act like perfect angels in social occasions and will let them run loose with little or no supervision, even if there are no other children in their age group present for them to play with or watch TV with.
So, you must be proactive and start as soon as you send out the invitations, letting people know when you see them in social situations that you're so sorry that children aren't being invited to the reception, but that you're sure you'll see their children once you're back from your honeymoon. Tell your best man and maid/matron of honor and all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and let them spread the word as well. The mothers and fathers of the bride and groom can take care of passing this message along during conversations about how the planning is progressing. If done thoroughly and diplomatically, you can experience a “kid-free zone” and no one's feelings will be hurt, all at the same time!
Q: It seems as if in our family (which is quite large with my mother having had 8 brothers and sisters and my father 12 siblings), we can never reach an agreement of what to do in a family situation. My upcoming wedding is no different, but I have a special circumstance, which no one can think of a good solution for.
My husband-to-be is new to this country and although he does have a best man in mind (one of his co-workers), none of his family will be able to attend the wedding. Should we invite them even though we know they will not be able to afford to attend the wedding? We don't want them to feel obligated to send a gift if we send them an invitation, yet I am afraid they would be offended if not invited to the wedding.
My fiancé says this situation has not come up before in his family, as people have almost always married someone from the nearby area. He is the first of his family to venture outside of his country of birth.
A: Regional cultural traditions regarding weddings can cause difficulties at all stages of the wedding preparation, and particularly so when it comes time to decide whom to invite. It is not considered good manners to include the phrase “no gifts, please” on a wedding invitation, and many guests who can't come to the wedding ignore such a request anyway and send a gift.
Again, this is a case where you need to have your groom contact his closest friends and relatives in his home town and pass the word to each person who have included on the invitation list that you understand they will not be able to attend, but you want them to know they will be in your hearts on that day and would like them to have a memento to remind them of the wedding, and that is why you sent them an actual invitation. If they are insistent that a gift must be sent, see if your “contacts” can get the groom's family to agree on a group gift – perhaps even a special family piece of silver or something similar – rather than having them spend their precious dollars (especially if your groom's country of birth is not as wealthy as the United States) and having you feel guilty about making them feel obligated to send a gift.
Q: How many wedding invitations should I order?
A: Of course, this depends on the size of your wedding, but you also must remember to order some extra invitations, no matter what size wedding you have planned. You will want to order anywhere from about 10 extra to perhaps 50 extra for a larger wedding.
Extra invitations are needed in case you make a mistake in addressing an envelope or if the printer goofs and a couple of invitations are smudged or ruined in some fashion, or for last-minute additions to the guest list (if perhaps a spot opens and you are able to invite someone because another guest has declined).
Remember, it is always better to have more wedding invitations than too few, as the cost of adding some more invitations to your original order is usually a whole lot cheaper than having another run of invitations printed. More importantly, you may not have time enough to have extra invitations printed if you wind up with insufficient numbers for all your guests.
It's always kind of nice to have some leftover wedding invitations to keep in your scrapbook or memento box of your wedding. If nothing else, they'll be perfect for any presentation made at your 25 th or 50 th wedding anniversary, and if you do wind up having daughters, they may want one for their own “hope” chest. |
